Head above water

Head above water, for the first moment in a while.

Head above water, as I was silently drowning, behind my polite smile and rested eyes.

Seeming eloquent, calm, composed, when in reality, my whole world was falling apart, yet again.

Self-doubt, uncontrollable fear and heart wrenching anxiety, day after day, believing you aren’t good or worthy enough, of anything or for anyone.

Alone, with these walls and these destructive thoughts. Alone, drowning, silently, while imagining the world going about their day, their projects, achieving their dreams, being surrounded, living life to the fullest.

Alone, with the cold hearted truth, that you never tolerated to be alone. That it is, by far, the most excruciating feeling. That belief, to think that you cannot Be…without anyone by your side.

A road, a mandatory process, an obliged path, to finally understand that no, you are not a failure. Not everything was your fault. You did what you could, to the best of your abilities, at that time. It wasn’t the best, but with what you know now, you can do better. You can see things more clearly.

You do not control everything, you never could. You control only what is within your reach. And what you can change, sometimes, takes time. A lot of time.

So instead of waking up daily with your heart racing with fear, rise from this feeling of discouragement and depression. Take your head out of the water, and believe that your life can be thrilling, exciting, beautiful, joyful, fun, riveting, without someone by your side.

Trust all the potential that resides within you to rise, once more. Especially, trust your heart and your mind to never go to that dark place, ever again.

Head above water, eyes fixed on the sunset, I now understand. No one was ever there for me, 100% of the time, day and night, but myself. No one showed up constantly for me, but myself. I was there for Me, and I will continue to show up for Me. For my sake, and for hers.

Head above water, I finally slowly rise, day by day, bit by bit.

Take charge of your life, understand that these thoughts, are just that: thoughts. They are not necessarily reality. Understand and believe in all that you are, and nothing can stop you. You don’t need anyone to be the best version of yourself.

With love and kindness,

Lara